


Just A Dream

by LibraryMage



Series: Break Your Chains [3]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Autistic Character, Autistic Ezra Bridger, Gen, Nightmares, Past Character Death, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-05
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-23 17:54:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11407524
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LibraryMage/pseuds/LibraryMage
Summary: Three times in his life Ezra had the same nightmare.(warning for past canonical character death)





	Just A Dream

_Ezra leaned his head against his mother’s shoulder as she held him in a warm, tight embrace.  He shut his eyes, listening to her heartbeat, feeling the vibrations in her chest as she softly hummed some old tune with a dozen different sets of words to go with it._

_“I don’t want you to go,” he said, his voice a soft, tired mumble._

_“What are you talking about?” she asked.  “We’re not going anywhere.”_

_“Promise?” he asked._

_“I promise,” she said.  “We’re staying right here with you.”_

_She gently kissed the top of his head and stood up, still holding him in her arms._

_“Time for you to get some sleep,” she said, handing him over into his father’s arms._

_Ezra was falling.  He hit the ground and looked up to see his parents, on their knees, hands cuffed behind their backs, blasters pointed at their heads.  Ezra ran toward them only to be shoved back by a white-armored stormtrooper just before the first shot went off._

* * *

 

**Age 7**

Ezra was jolted out of the dream by someone roughly shaking him awake.  He opened his eyes to see a stormtrooper inches away from him and violently pulled out of the soldier’s grip.

“You can’t sleep here, kid,” the stormtrooper said.  “Get moving.”

Ezra stood up and raced out of the alley before either of them could decide to try and stop him.  He kept running until he lost track of how far away he’d gotten.  When he stopped, he realized he was shaking.  He leaned against the wall of the building he’d stopped in front of, pressing his hands over his eyes.  He could still see his parents’ eyes, wide and lifeless, staring at nothing, still hear the ringing in his ears from the shots that had killed them, still smell the blood.

“It’s just a dream,” he muttered.  “It’s not real.  It’s just a dream.”

But he knew it was real.  Maybe he hadn’t seen it happen, but his parents _were_ dead.  They were gone and they were never coming back.  He’d known it since the day the stormtroopers came and took them away, but even thinking it still felt like his heart was being ripped in two.

He didn’t know how long he stood there, barely holding back tears, as he tried to think about anything else but his parents and his dream.  But there was nothing else to think about.  Nothing else for him to hold on to.  He was alone.

* * *

 

**Age 11**

Ezra’s eyes snapped open.  He slowly sat up, resting his head in his hands.  He hadn’t had that dream in months and he’d been beginning to hope it had stopped for good.  He eyed his lightsaber resting just a few feet away.  At least now there was something he could do to keep his mind off of it.

Just a few minutes later, Ezra was in the main hangar of the base, his lightsaber drawn as he faced off against two droids that were firing plasma bolts at him, which he deflected back at stationary targets.  It was easy, but a challenge wasn’t what he needed right now.  He just needed to stop thinking about his parents’ empty, dead eyes, the sound of their bodies falling to the floor, the feeling of his father’s arms around him, there and then suddenly _gone._

One of the bolts made it past his defenses and Ezra gave a small hiss of pain as it struck his arm.  It wasn’t strong enough to do any lasting damage, but it still hurt.  Even knowing it would leave a burn for the next few days, Ezra welcomed the pain.  It gave him something else to focus on.

“You’re distracted.”

Ezra jumped, startled by the voice from behind him.  He looked over his shoulder to see Maul watching him.  Ezra hadn’t even realized he was there.  Ezra nodded in response to his master’s observation.

“Are you alright?” Maul asked, his voice holding an unusual level of concern as he approached Ezra.

“It’s nothing,” he said.  “Just a dream.”

“Your parents.”

Ezra nodded.  He didn't have to explain any further.  Maul knew about this dream, knew it had been haunting Ezra since long before they met.

“I know it’s hard right now,” Maul said.  He put a hand on Ezra’s arm, carefully avoiding the spot where the plasma bolt had hit him.  “But one day, you’ll be able to make the people responsible for their deaths pay for it.”

“You think it’ll stop then?” Ezra asked.

“I don’t know, Ezra,” Maul said.  “We’ll have to find out.  But for now, you’re right.  It’s just a dream.  It can’t hurt you.”

Maul’s grip tightened just for a second before he let go, and Ezra actually managed a small smile, the brief pressure lifting his spirits a little.

“Thank you, Master,” he said.

* * *

 

**Age 14**

Ezra lay still, eyes wide as he stared up at the ceiling.  Maybe the dream would fade quickly this time and he’d be able to stop thinking about it.  Maybe he’d even be able to get back to sleep.  That sometimes happened.  Maybe…

But the longer he lay there, the more his mind seemed to latch onto the dream, forcing him to relive every detail.  Finally, he gave up and quietly jumped down from his bunk.

He moved silently through the ship until he reached the cargo bay.  It was far enough away from where everyone slept that he didn’t have to worry as much about being quiet as he paced back and forth, trying to work the distress out of his system.  He wished he could leave the ship and breathe some fresh air to help clear his head, but they were in deep space, so this was the best he could do.

“Ezra?”

He looked up to see Kanan leaning on the railing above him, looking down into the cargo bay.  The other Jedi walked over to the ladder and slid down it, not even bothering to climb, and sat down on a crate a few feet away from Ezra.

“Are you okay?” he asked.  Ezra shrugged and sat down on another crate next to Kanan.

“You want to talk about it?”

“Just a dream,” Ezra said, shifting uncomfortably as he spoke.  Kanan still didn’t know much about his past, and Ezra wasn’t sure he was ready to tell the Jedi about his parents yet.

“What are you doing up?” he asked, trying to divert the conversation away from him.  When they were going to be spending more than one sleep cycle in space, Hera usually left Chopper in charge of piloting the _Ghost._ There wasn’t really a reason for Kanan to be awake right now.

“Same thing as you, I’m guessing,” Kanan said.  “Trying to think about anything else.”

They sat there for a moment, not speaking, until Kanan broke the silence.

“This happen a lot?” he asked.  Ezra nodded, staring at the floor, his hands twitching a little at his sides.

“There’s no shame in it, Ezra,” Kanan told him.  “And no one on this ship is gonna judge you for it.  We all have things we don’t want to remember.”

“I’ve just been having this same dream for so long,” Ezra said.  “I just wish it would stop.”

“I know.”  Kanan’s voice was gentle and, Ezra realized, a little…sad.  He really _did_ understand.

“Whatever it is, it wasn’t your fault,” Kanan said.  Ezra winced.  He knew Kanan was trying to reassure him, but there was no way for him to know that was true.  He didn’t know Ezra’s past.  Tonight it had been a dream about his parents, but other nights there were much worse things that kept him awake, things he knew really _were_ his fault.

“Does it ever get easier?” he asked.

“I guess it depends,” Kanan said.  “On a lot of things.  I can't imagine it would’ve been easy for you…before.”  Ezra was painfully aware of the way he’d deliberately phrased his comment to avoid saying Maul’s name.

Ezra shrugged.  “It wasn’t always bad.”  He could feel Kanan’s -- well, he didn’t know quite what to call it.  It wasn’t anger exactly, but it was something close to it.  Whatever it was, it quickly dissolved.

“But maybe you’re right,” Ezra said.  He let out a small sigh and looked up at Kanan.  “Do you think it’ll get better, now that I’m here?”

“I really don’t know,” Kanan said.  “It might.  But it might not.”

Kanan saw Ezra’s shoulders slump a little and reached over and put a hand on the boy’s shoulder.  Ezra leaned into it.  It seemed like a reflex, like he didn’t even realize he was doing it.

“It sometimes helps me to tell myself they’re not real,” Kanan said.  “Or if they are, they already happened a long time ago.  Just reminding myself I already lived through it, so I can live through thinking about it.”

Ezra said nothing, just sat there in silence, considering what Kanan had just said.

“We’re gonna have a long day tomorrow,” Kanan said, jolting him out of his thoughts.  “Think you can try and sleep a little longer?”

Ezra nodded.

“Good,” Kanan said.  He gave Ezra’s shoulder a gentle squeeze before standing up.

“Kanan, I -- just, thanks,” Ezra said.

“Don’t mention it, kid.”

**Author's Note:**

> so I didn't mean for this to be the next installment of this series, but it just kind of happened


End file.
